Keep doing the right thing

Why does he think he has the right to make up the rules at his convenience? Why is it that a signed court order for custody and visitation cannot be enforced by law enforcement? What is the point in attending mediation, spending hard earned money on an attorney to fight for your rights with your child, and there is no consequence for breaking the order? Why is he so mad at me that he is using my son as a pawn in attempts to hurt me? He's the one that asked me to have an abortion when I told him I was pregnant over 7 years ago. He's the one who chose to break off our relationship when I decided to keep the pregnancy even though he said it wasn't convenient for his life at the time. He's the one that left me at the hospital the day I was discharged after the delivery of my son. He's the one that threatened to take my life out of pure randomness 12 days after my son was born. He's the one that chose not to show up for any visitation with my son until he was nearly 10 months old.

And he's mad at me? And he's seeking ways to hurt me because I didn't take him back?

He hurt me and me fiance. He intimidates my son. And is capable of hurting himself since I witnessed 2 episodes of attempted suicide before my son was born. I should have let him. I should have let him take his life. But it's too late for "should have's." It's too late to revisit the past and wish I had made different decisions. I have to focus on my son's well being. I hope that my son doesn't piss him off to the point where he may lose control and harm him. Oh my, just to think of it. My son would be so helpless.

But really...what does it take? What does it take for him to learn that his bad decisions, his lack of control over his temper have a consequence. When will justice be served? When will karma take its course?

Is it wrong of me to hope that his time will come? My fiance says we are doing he right things because we have a conscience and we should continue to do the right things. But I feel that we're doing all the right things and suffering. And the one who does things wrong, is gaining? I guess I have to think of it in a way that maybe he's not really gaining anything. Everything happens for a reason, right? Please, please, please let me find the reason soon!

Some background

I am 21 weeks pregnant with my third child. My daughter is 12 years old and is in middle school. My son is 7 years old and is in second grade. I have been engaged for one year to an amazing man. He has a son who is also 12 years old. I love them all and would do anything for them.

I have to admit, I have a pretty damn good life. I have a secure job, beautiful kids, a fantastic fiance who contributes to a wonderful relationship, two dogs, plenty of fish, an overall supportive family, and a happy home. This is what people get to see of me. But few really know that I suffer inside.

I cannot say that I suffer all the time because I am generally happy with how my life is, but during trying times, I am reminded that I got to this point in my life through my own series of trials and tribulations. And as much as I would like to forget certain situations and only take with me lessons learned, I find myself having nightmares, frightful thoughts, and sometimes I bring on unnecessary paranoia. I desperately try to seek the positive in any situation, but human nature causes me to seek revenge and malicious thoughts start to overcome my will to be the better person.

I have made some choices in my past that have led to consequences that not only I have to live with, but so do my children, and my fiance. I thought that getting out of toxic, unhealthy relationships provided me a new start, but that was true only to the extent of a new relationship, not a clean slate to life.

So many times I have wished I could erase some people from my past. However, after much thought, I convince myself that those people came into my life for a reason, to contribute to my life, to leave a mark, to teach me a life lesson...to show me reality.

I was sheltered as a child as my parents came to America from the Philippines in their twenties. My older brother had special disabilities, which put me in the role of the oldest child. I was the one who was responsible for exposing my parents to American culture and raising a child in a country different from what they grew up in. I also have a brother that is two years younger than me, as well as a sister that is 10 years younger. It is a surprise in the different methods my parents tried to adapt to raising an American Filipino child, versus a Filipino child in America.